a "FUNCTIONING" Excerpt
from the future feature film "Functioning"
INT. IZZY’S BATHROOM- DAY
Izzy opens the door to her bathroom. She flips on the light and hops up to sit on the counter. She sets her phone down beside her, her screen is open to a text message that reads “SOS. Emergency. SOS.” Izzy stares at herself in the mirror fidgeting and playing with her hair. Izzy’s phone rings with a facetime call from Maggie. Izzy immediately answers the phone and Maggie’s anxious face fills the phone screen. Izzy continues to look at herself in the mirror, calm and composed. Maggie appears to be in her bedroom with a bed sheet wrapped around her. Maggie’s hair is a mess and her makeup is smeared.
MAGGIE
What’s wrong? Are you o-
Izzy cuts Maggie off almost immediately. Still distracted and not fully paying attention to Maggie.
IZZY
Would I look good with a bald head?
Maggie stares at Izzy for a beat. Izzy continues to play with her hair and avoids looking at Maggie.
MAGGIE
What?
IZZY
Would I look good with a bald head? It’s a simple yes or no question.
MAGGIE
Yeah I’m gonna need some context for this one. Also how the hell does this qualify as an “emergency”? I thought something bad happened or you were having some huge breakdown. Although I guess if you’re considering shaving your head you probably aren’t mentally stable right now.
IZZY
I’m thinking I should run away into the mountains and become a monk. But I don’t know if I can pull off the monk look.
MAGGIE
Knowing you, you’d have instant regret and a huge breakdown the second you shaved even an inch off your head. And there’s absolutely no way in hell you can pull off the monk lifestyle. Monks love meditation, calm and quiet and you’re chaotic, loud and can’t sit still for longer than two seconds. Now are you gonna tell me what’s actually wrong?
Izzy ignores Maggie’s question causing Maggie to grow annoyed and frustrated but she remains patient for now, playing along with Izzy and her current escape fantasy.
IZZY
Hmmm those are fair points. Do female monks exist? If so they probably get to keep their hair right? And I’m sure I could learn to mediate or WAIT! I could start my own monk tribe, or whatever a group of monk’s is called, and we could be revolutionary monks who do the opposite of what traditional monks do.
MAGGIE
So now you want to start a cult?
IZZY
Could be a fun new career path for me. I think I could make a sexy cult leader. And I could be the very first non murderous creepy one!
MAGGIE
What would be the opposite of meditation?
IZZY
I dunno, wild loud orgies? Or constantly taking large amounts of shrooms to send yourself into beautiful overthinking ego deaths.
MAGGIE
Look, I love you and normally I’d be down to play this game with you where we talk weird nonsense and dance around until you actually confess what’s wrong, but I’m really not in the mood for this right now. You realize I was literally in the middle of having sex when you messaged me? I could be orgasming right now and instead I’m talking to you about cults and monks.
IZZY
If the sex was that great you wouldn’t have checked your phone. So whoever it was clearly wasn’t doing it right. But also what’s wrong with you? Who the hell checks their phone during sex? I’ve had loads of bad sex in my life that I’ve gritted my teeth through just waiting for it be over. I never once considered whipping out my phone to check my notifications. Although now that I’m thinking about it maybe I should’ve. Does that help it end faster cause it makes the other person feel too embarrassed and awkward to continue?
MAGGIE
I am so close to coming over there to strangle you to death.
IZZY
Do it. I dare you. But remember if you kill me you gotta kill yourself after. The suicide pact is binding.
MAGGIE
It’s a suicide pact. I only have to unalive myself if YOU kill yourself. If I murder you I am free to go back to having sex without having to worry about you interrupting it. You messaged me the word EMERGENCY which you’ve literally never done before. You know you have your own damn ringtone in my phone and the only time you text me instead of facetiming is when you’re having a breakdown and trying to lie to us both that you’re not.
IZZY
Me trying to decide if I can pull off a bald head look and becoming a a cult leader seemed like an emergency level topic of conversation to me. How the hell was I supposed to know you were having sex? You told me you wanted to take it “chill” today and catch up on work. I guess sex does qualify as work but excuse me for assuming you meant the work you get paid for. Unless you secretly decided to start getting paid for sex in which case I’m pissed at you for not including me in this new business venture. I like having sex and I def like making money. I would’ve signed up with you.
MAGGIE
You’re the one who wants to start an orgy cult. Out of the two of us, you’re the one who would be the first to start charging for sex.
IZZY
Fair point and a great idea. I’m sure cults need money to run. OOO! I can host wild orgies and charge people to participate and then funnel that money into shrooms for the cult’s equivalent of communion or confession time... Or maybe both.
There’s a long pause as Maggie just stares at Izzy. Izzy sneaks peeks at Maddie while running a hairbrush through her hair.
MAGGIE
You know what? You keep puzzling over this whole cult thing. Go ahead and shave your head and then call me when you’re ready to actually talk to me about the real emergency going on in that mess you call a brain.
IZZY
I was going to make you the cult’s equivalent to Jesus but if you’re just gonna bail on this groundbreaking opportunity I will be forced to demote you.
Maggie hangs up. Izzy stares at her phone in disbelief.
IZZY
Bitch.
Izzy shoves her phone to the side. She gazes at herself in the mirror and pulls her hair back from her face as tightly as she can. She stares at herself in the mirror for a long moment.
IZZY (MUTTERED)
Fuck it.
Izzy grabs her phone and throws open the bathroom door exiting it.
END SCENE