the ledge

WARNING: this musing is about depression and self harm/suicidal ideation. if any of that sounds triggering to you, stop reading/do what you need to in order to protect your mental health and wellbeing

I’m dangling from a ledge I don’t want to keep holding

Forcing myself to endure while the triggers keep growing

My emotions consume me. Devour, burn, drown and erase - i’m suffocating while staring death straight in the face

My loved ones watch as my limbs tremble and shake. Unable or unwilling to decide how to intervene - or if they truly should stop me from leaving this place

All I’m longing for is the hand that will pull me into an embrace, that will chase after me even when I’ve spit fire in their face

I need a mirror that can hold me and yet give me space. A mirror that grounds and balances me, the home where I feel safe

And I know it’s wrong of me to put so much into another. To set expectations they will inevitably fail to meet later

I know that I can’t ask someone to give me a reason to keep existing, but I need a reason to have faith that this pain has meaning

I was raised on Peeta and Katniss, Percy and Annabeth. If you’re going to put me in Tartarus then I need my Orpheus to chase me through it

I am chaos incarnate. Born with too much fire and air to be grounded on my own, you cannot look at me and tell me I’m meant to walk this life alone

The shadows appear easy and may be seductive, but there’s an agony in feeling everything so deeply

I need someone to balance me when I cannot balance myself

Someone who sees the ledge as clear as I do, but who has enough light and fight left to guide us home

I like the ledge and I like my shadows, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to die yet, my petty ego, so I’m fighting to grip with fingers that slip, while suffocating in the fears that I will commit

Do you hear the screams I’m keeping in? They’re so loud inside me, surely they’re deafening and why you can only watch as I remain here dangling

Am I scaring you away with the intensity of my feeling? It’s too much for me to bear so I’ll understand your reasoning

Just say something or leave, I can’t handle your teasing

The silent watching lured me into a sense of false believing, and I no longer have the time or patience to handle anymore deceiving - so speak up and give me a reason to stop leaving or find me someone who can. If not, then leave or be forced to watch my inevitable bleeding

written 11/9/24 1:25pm